Where do I begin? I don’t know if it is the book I’m reading, the time of year or what next year brings, but I’m feeling rather reflective these days. I feel a stirring in me for more. And at the same time, I feel something pulling me and a feeling of not wanting more. Wanting more of Him, but fearing change and simply wanting to stay where I am. Every where I turn, I am being inspired to be better, to grow, to reach out and press in to Him. But my mind knows what that means. It means a little more of my fleshly self needs to die. I hear His voice calling me and feel torn. I want to run into His arms and follow His plan for my life, but a part of me doesn’t want to give up my comforts. I never considered myself one scared of change, but at this time in my life, I find myself clinging to familiar comforts.
Next year brings the 10th anniversary of my high school graduation and my 28th birthday. I have come so far from the girl I was back then, but in so many ways, I am the same. And I’m not satisfied. Years ago I was a creative being. I would sit in my parent’s basement and paint or sew things for other people. I relished spending hours doing my favorite 750 piece puzzle. I know, I was a wild teenager.
Things have changed and that is life. I can no longer sit and spend consecutive hours on a puzzle and that is ok. But somewhere along the way, my creative self has been buried. I’m guessing it is buried under all the “stuff” that I have accumulated. I’ve come to realize that, for the most part, my life is spent managing our “stuff.” And it is suffocating me. I get caught up in one area, only to find myself staring at another mountain. However, it is not all bad. Through this mess I have created and the side-trips of life, I am re-finding pieces of myself. And a new love.
Ah, photography, how I love thee. I have always been a picture person. I get that honestly, my Mom has gobs of pictures from us growing up. I am enjoying that tradition with my own children. And like my Mom, it’s not the studio pics that I cherish. It’s the real life pictures. The moments life is happening that you happen to catch on film (or jpegs these days), not the moments where you stop life to get a picture.
I realize I was on a dead end path before. You know the one where you are trying to prove something to everyone, seeking the validation of money, flattery or approval? That one. It’s been a rough nine months since I ended my last blog, I’ve come face-to-face with the bad choices I’ve made and had some hard times, physically and emotionally. My body has spoken loud and clear that I can’t go on feeding it crap and not moving like I was designed to. My eyes have been opened to how precious my time is. And somewhere in the distance, I am starting to see that notion that my worth is not held in anyone’s eyes but His and He LOVES me. I am at a point where that thought overwhelms my heart and brings me to fall-on-your-face worship. The point where I am realizing just how much I need Him and praying that I remember to cling to that not just when I’m at my rock bottom.
So this time, there are no false pretenses, this blog is about me. Me finding myself. Not the kind of finding myself that involves abandoning the life that I have created or those that I love in the name of “self-discovery” or “happiness.” The kind of finding myself that stretches me beyond my comfort zone and growing the gifts and dreams that God has placed in me to make me the best person I can be. The best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can be.
I have spent the last 10 years wrapped up in myself. In all the wrong ways. I made time for the silly, unimportant things and found myself too pressed for time to do what is vital. But now I’m stepping out of my box. I am seeking His will for my life. I am looking for the dreams He placed in my heart long ago and I’m amazed at what I’m finding. I’m amazed where He is connecting the dots. He is stirring a passion in me that is like that of my teen years, but so much MORE.
Maybe that’s the summation of this, I’m finding that He is so much MORE than I can even imagine. And I want MORE. More of Him and this life He created for me.